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13 Ways to empty a church
by Graeme Davidson, February 2002

It's a lot easier to empty a church than fill one. All you need to do is follow these 13 effortless guidelines.

  1. Make it difficult for people to find the Church and to know what is on when.
  2. Ignore visitors who come through the door. Or better still invite them for coffee and ignore them then.
  3. Don't bother to find out what each individual needs from the church. Treat them all like a flock of sheep.
  4. Ask for money at every possible opportunity and continually invent new ways of eliciting donations.
  5. Be dogmatic and stubbornly hold fast to the way your church does things.
  6. Try and please everyone at the expense of the Gospel.
  7. Make certain you appoint a strong leader who dominates and micromanages.
  8. Don't use people's gifts.
  9. Overuse the few and burn them out.
  10. Avoid controversy and debate.
  11. Encourage gossip and power politics.
  12. Don't get involved in any outreach. Leave that sort of thing to the church leader and wait passively for people to come to church.
  13. Disregard a regular who has an unexplained absence from church for more than 5 weeks.
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Would the real Jesus please stand up so we can recognise you? >> more
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Were the Christian hostages really idiots for peace? >> more
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Skulduggery and controversy over discovery of religious texts >> more
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My early life as a black sheep in a nativity scene >> more
Different types of suicide bomber: what makes them tick >> more
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Life after death: Is it logically possible? >> more
Is it Anglican to practise apartheid? >> more
Da Vinci Code unlocks controversy >> more
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How global are we?  A Christian's view of globalisation >> more
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A redundant resurrection >> more
War, violence, ethics, religion and hypocrisy >> more
If St Peter was interviewed for ordination today >> more
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Micah's dream — too much to ask? >> more
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The case for St Judas Iscariot >> more
Exorcism: the ministry of deliverance >> more
Ned Flanders — popular face of Christianity >> more
Seven common myths about religion >> more
Moral divide between church leaders and laity >> more
Unholy silence over MPs hypocracy and greed >> more
Anglican schism over gay clergy inevitable >> more
My agonising path to enlightenment >> more
More than ever, it's a time for generosity >> more
National's ethics smell of political expediency >> more
Pope's visit to the Holy Land fraught with potholes >> more
The resurrection may have been superfluous >> more
Rasputin — from sinner and seducer to saint? >> more
Religious delusions and the Jerusalem syndrome >> more
Protest mild compared with Jesus' vandalism >> more
What Castro and Obama have in common >> more
Holidays can revive romance or widen cracks between couples >> more
Dubious scholarship reinterprets Jesus to fit secular creed >> more
Furore over gay marriage echoes the conflict over slavery >> more
If only politics were as certain as dear old granny >> more
You've got to have faith to win the White House >> more
The problem of evil >> more
TV Programmers let lose Roman circus >> more
Prostitutes welcome in the kingdom of God but not in Dannevirke >> more
Church too busy navel-gazing to take lead over crime >> more
Will the Anglican Church split over gay clergy and same-sex unions? >> more
There's a resevoir of faith in secular western society >> more
The Vatican's pelvic theology presents perverse and confusing ethics >> more
Winners, politics, human rights abuses and the Bejing Olympics >> more
Would the real Jesus please stand up so we can recognise you? >> more
Hypersensitivity perverts ethics and hardwon freedoms >> more
You've got to have God if you want to be President of the US >> more
A three-ghetto church based on politics rather than Christianity >> more
Water bottles, soup can, pigeons and good and bad intentions >> more

Deliver us from evil and exorcists who do more harm than good >> more
More people pray than go to church: but how effective is prayer? >> more
Buddhist monks — masters of non-violence, resistance and kung fu >> more
Was Mother Teresa living a lie to achieve immortality as a saint? >> more
Our fears fuel outrage and double standards over child sex abuse >> more
Spare me those soppy inspirational and pseudo-spiritual emails >> more
Caring organisations attract their share of psychopathic bosses >> more
The new anti-religious evangelists and their faith in science >> more
Interfaith conference call for religious education could backfire >> more
Blessing creatures great and small - but what about blowflies? >> more
Does God exist only in the brain's God spot and on the God gene? >> more
The prudes who want to crucify for want of a loincloth on a chocolate Jesus >> more
Have tomb raiders really found the bones of Jesus and his family? >> more
Jesus loves Osama, an agnostic bishop and other ideas that stick >> more
Why it matters whether God is more like a matchbox or a number >> more  
Confessions of a failed axe murderer who queried religious ethics >> more
Consumer-conscious kids, Bacchanalian festivals and sentimentality >> more
Manners: insignificant social customs at the outer orbit of ethics? >> more
The 109 fighting boys from the Mitchelltown School and District >> more
Trying to exhume the historical Jesus from under 2000 years of faith >> more
Is global violence on the increase? Don't be fooled by what you see on TV >> more
Polygamy, circumcision, atheist journalists and religious diversity >> more
The Christian right stands by Israel out of a misguided theology  >> more 
What a rat taught me about creating successful relationships >> more
Is the Church becoming a retirement hobby for granny clergy? >> more 
Is there an anti-christian conspiracy in Hollywood? >> more
How good a Christian is the devout President George W Bush? >> more
Have church schools sold out on Christianity for secular values? >> more 

Hitler, Lawyers, Politicians SUV owners and life after death >> more
Were the Christian hostages really idiots for peace? >> more
Infidelity: in hot pursuit of a better organsm or better intimacy? >> more
Skulduggery and controversy over discovery of religious texts >> more
The cartoons aren't about secular freedoms versus intolerance >> more

Christian Zionists hinder justice and peace in the Middle East >> more
Should making more money be your New Year's resolution? >> more
My early life as a black sheep in a nativity scene >> more
Different types of suicide bomber: what makes them tick >> more
Cheating a short cut to sucess in winner-take-all society >> more
Life after death: Is it logically possible? >> more
Is it Anglican to practise apartheid? >> more
Da Vinci Code unlocks controversy >> more
Bishops' statement: pompous, pious, out of touch and verging on the heretical >> more 
Church leaders unconvincing over prostitution law reform >> more
Divorce risk factors >> more
How global are we?  A Christian's view of globalisation >> more
Victims of dirty tricks & friendly fire: Machiavellian tactics in the Church militant >> more
A redundant resurrection >> more
War, violence, ethics, religion and hypocrisy >> more
If St Peter was interviewed for ordination today >> more
13 ways to empty a church without really trying >> more
How tolerant is the Museum of Tolerance? >> more
A church comes out and reconciliation divides >> more
Micah's dream — too much to ask? >> more
Has the revised Anglican Church in New Zealand instigated a benign form of religious apartheid? >> more
The case for St Judas Iscariot >> more
Exorcism: the ministry of deliverance >> more

 

Copyright © 2002 Graeme Davidson

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